I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
