My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
