where does the pee come out of this thing
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You took a bar mat shot.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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