I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
