false alarm. still invincible.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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