Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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