Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize