I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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