Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I have demons in me.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
