i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
