yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
