I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
