That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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