I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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