I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
