at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
