I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
True strength comes from lack of pants
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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