I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
