I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
