omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish you could order shots online.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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