I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
