So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
