I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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