Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
