hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize