goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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