Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
