i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
