i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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