Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
