You work out of a Hotel?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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