Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
