he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
