also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
