Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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