I showed him my bush... on skype.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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