***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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