I accidentally burped into my bong.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
