I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm too high and old for this...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
