It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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