nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
we should paint friendship bongs
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