My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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