apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
