wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
