I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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