So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
