I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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