Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
