I faked an abortion last night.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
