You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
