Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
