I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
