This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
