I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
