If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
