I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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