In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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