on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Come share oat with me in your robe
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
