I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize