I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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