Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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